Up until very recently. I always had to hide behind my mask, I was always too afraid to let people see me for who I really was. I was lonely and lost behind my disguise, while to the outside world I seemed happy and secure.
I let people pull down my trust and my confidence in myself, as well as in them, and eventually just gave up. It's always easier to give up. At first I just used it to escape from the pain I felt inside, but things continued to get worse. Everytime I closed my eyes I tried to imagine what death would be like. I thought, "How will they feel when they find out I'm dead? Will they even care at all?" I didn't think many would care at all, and that thought hurt me.
I thought about cutting my wrists but I was scared. What if it hurt too much? I started cutting myself, little cuts on my arms. My parents noticed the cuts and scars and wanted to help me. They got me some counselling and I was given medication. The problem was that they treated me like I was just a kid, so after awhile I started pretending that I felt heaps better and everything was okay. The mask was back.
For a while I believed that I could deal with my life by myself without going back to the "dark places" where I was hurting myself. I was wrong. Thoughts of suicide kept coming into my mind. I started taking drugs to escape. It didn't work for long. I took an overdose to put an end to it once and for all. It didn't work though, just made me really sick, I guess I took the wrong drugs.
The next morning I was glad because I realised that I didn't really want to die. I felt confused because although I knew I needed help I didn't know how to ask for it. I talked to my friend and she told her mother because she was really worried about me. Her mother went to see my mother and told her what I had tried to do. Mum cried and that made me feel really bad.
This time my parents made sure that the psychologist was someone I felt comfortable talking with and things got better. I am a lot happier now. I know that there will be times when everthing comes crashing down and things seem hopeless - I was diagnosed as bipolar - but I believe, with the help and support system I have, that I can make it now.