My fifth and sixth form years were very stressful. My parents fought constantly over the issue of my education. My mother wanted me to go to university and my father was keen for me to leave school and go to work as soon as I turned fifteen. I didn’t want to leave school. I enjoyed school and the thought of leaving to work in a sewing factory or serve in a shop made me really miserable. As did the feeling that I was responsible for all the fights and ill feeling at home. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I felt I had nothing to live for and that things would be better for everyone if I weren’t around.
I had recently become a Christian and death held more attraction for me than life as Heaven certainly sounded lots better than my life! The only problem was doing the dying. I was a coward when it came to pain and ruled out one method after another. I finally decided on the contents of the various jars in the garage.
They made me very ill and I vomited before much harm was done. The next time I tried the contents of the bathroom medicine cupboard. I lost consciousness and had my stomach pumped. To this day I cannot use aspirin and have to take some care with what I eat due to the damage done to my stomach and liver.
While I didn’t make any other attempts on my life, my lack of success depressed me all the more. I felt a complete and utter failure and my future stretched out before me as an eternity of misery. There were good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. But no real reason for living.
God started to break through my misery bringing a new hope. I read words like Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."Portions of Psalm 139 also spoke to me at this time. I started to realise that God had a plan and a purpose for my life. My personal vision statement became Proverbs 3:5,6.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."People spoke prophetic words over my life that gave me direction and encouragement. I wrote them down. Many have come to pass.
Through my twenties I would still have attacks of absolute despair that left me feeling like a frightened cornered animal, but as I learnt to recognise them for the attacks they were and started to proclaim Gods promises over my life they became less frequent.
As I have trusted God with the details of my life and with my future, he has trained me up to serve him in ways that have given me so much satisfaction. These days I am too busy enjoying living and serving God to want to die. My prayer now is "don’t take me yet God, I’m having too much fun!"