I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF

A friend came across this in an email group she belongs to at Yahoo and sent it to info@life.org.nz. After checking with the person who responded to the original email 'I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF' we received permission to include this in the Suicide Stories.

Dated Wednesday, 28 September 2005, someone identifying himself as "boychurch2004" sent an email to the group with the Subject: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF. This is what he said:

i need some one to talk to..other wise i am killing myself in 48 hours
my girl friend just left me b/c i drink to much...
what kind of sh#t is that.
That's not a good enough reason to leave me..
I provide a remote control for her and color t.v. and a car w/ power windows,
then she leaves me b/c i drink to much.. i only drink one 750ml Bottle of Jack on the average day..
then come to find out as she's walking out of the door " she said i'll be in touch w/ you soon you drunk basterd i'm pregnet" then just up and left....
i'm about to go freakin crazy..
i need some one to talk to..i have no family - she was my family and now this...she's pregnet!!!!!
f@ck life it's not worth living...some one please help me b4 i do this.

This email was received by Don who explained:

"I usually sit in the back seats but on this one....I had to come out. Let's disect this and see what we can come up with to save your poor miserable soul from all of those who persecute you..."

i need some one to talk to..other wise i am killing myself in 48 hours

Well, you have even given it a time limit ! Tell me my brother, what magical , mystical thing is going to happen to resolve all of your problems in 48 hours ? I would really like an answer to that because I want some of that shit.So it's Friday so either you found a shoulder to cry on to tell you everything is going to be rosey or....you be dead! Right? My money says you are very much alive.You want somebody to talk to ....here I am. But from me you get the real deal....not pipe dreams and illusions.So you just feel free to ask me anything you want and you WILL get an answer. If it's not all you expected to hear...tuff.


my girl friend just left me b/c i drink to much...

Whoops ! first screw up.(I catch most all of them)you just admitted in your own words that you drink too much. Here, let me copy and paste it so you can find it: " i drink to much...". Your girlfriend didn't just type that, I SURE as hell didn't so that leaves you. So you have told us that indeed you drink too much....hold that thought

what kind of sh#t is that.

That is THE number one cause for broken families in this country. A lot of times it is money problems but the money problems are usually going down one or the others throat or up their nose. Just the facts Jack.Your girlfriend didn't just "up and leave you"... I am quite sure that she has given you ultimatum after ultimatum. But this time she had what you DO NOT ...the courage to make the changes to better her life. You never took her threats seriously....did you. Why the
hell are you so surprised? You chose Jack and Jill just rolled on down the hill....that's what kind of sh#t that is..........

That's not a good enough reason to leave me..

What would be an acceptable reason to someone so astute as you ? Adultery ? You are in Love with that bottle more than her, otherwise she would still be there.

I provide a remote control for her and color t.v. and a car w/ power windows,

Yeah, now I can see why trading a damned remote control and power windows (man get real) would be a really stupid loss when all she has to gain is her sanity, security for her and her unborn child and a decisive division from a mumbling ,miserable drunk (that would be YOU by the way) Especially the remote control...after all things are OHHHHHH so much more important than a person's dignity and self worth.

then she leaves me b/c i drink to much... i only drink one 750ml Bottle of Jack on the average day..

First you reveal your secret for the second time (that you drink too much)and then in the very next sentence you turn around and say that you do nothing of the sort. Which time were you lying?  Look at it...there it is...you wrote it...one has to be a lie. You have even mastered the metric system... "I'm all right Jack, keep your hands off of my stash". And I am not even going to ask you what an "average" day is because I know your answer would insult my intelligence... No officer...I had only 2 beers i'm not hurting nobody...

You're a liar. You are hurting yourself, and when you hurt yourself you either directly or indirectly hurt those who care about you. BUT...everything has it's limits. Even Love. I shudder to think of you trying to take on the role of even a surrogate part time father.

then come to find out as she's walking out of the door " she said i'll be in touch w/ you soon you drunk basterd i'm pregnet" then just up and left....

Yeah, no warning....right! you seem more concerned about your self righteous arrogance over your abandonment than you do that you have a child on the way. And let me tell you friend....you have a wake up call coming...big time!

i'm about to go freakin crazy..

A state of drunkeness IS considered lunacy. You are there.drink more and you will become even more crazy...more and it hits the stomach, the lower intestine and just LOVES those kidneys and Liver. A person who does the same thing the same way over and over, each time expecting a different result IS insane

i need some one to talk to..i have no family - she was my family and now this...she's pregnet!!!!!

People have offered to talk to you...I have talked to you (although I jes' know it p*sses you off) You aren't going to wish her pregnancy away and you are not going to wish her back into your life. YOU have to change. The ball is in your court Shaq...whatcha' gonna do with it ?

f@ck life it's not worth living...some one please help me b4 i do this.

Help yourself.I have a bright orange sticker on my bathroom mirror that says "You are looking at the problem". I cannot tell you that you are an Alcoholic, but I can tell you from what you said that you are drinking alcoholicly. Whether or not you are is a question only you can afirm or negate.

My wife gave me an ultimatum just like yours on 11-11-92... I checked myself into treatment that day and I have not had a drink or a non-prescribed drug since 11-12-92.

My marriage didn't stand the test of time and we are in the middle of a divorce right now, but this time not because of me. I have 3 great kids and they are my lifeblood. Not once during our seperation have I given a thought to drinking.I don't remember the euphoria these days... I remember puking my guts out in the commode, waking up in jail...things like that. What you drank in an average day, I was drinking in an hour. Whether or not you are an Alcoholic has NOTHING to do with how much you drink it is defined by what happens to you when you do.

I tried to take my life 2 times and they were honest to GOD bye byes. I didn't act depressed beforehand, I never made an announcement or a threat.Hell, why should I be depressed ? I had made a decision that would fix all my problems and I had the timetables set BOTH times. I have some Pharmaceutical and Medical training...so I knew what I was doing.

The first time I was foiled it took 30 minutes to get to the hospital and my heart kept stopping and starting. When I got to the hospital I was in a deep drug induced Coma. They called my family (I was on a ventilator) and told them that I would probably not wake up and if by chance I did I would most certainly have severe brain damage. Well by some act of a higher authority I did wake up. I will leave the brain damage to your imagination and determination.

The second time I had enough insulin in my bloodstream to kill ten Tazmanian devils. My daughter just happened to come by (which she never does unless she calls) saw the TV was off, got worried and decided to take a peep. Foiled again. But this time I got an attitude adjustment. I came to the stark realization that if I lived , not once, but twice through what I did to myself... I was supposed to be here to do something at some point or many different points in time. Just kinda' made good sense.

So you want help? Well you are not unique or special. You have to do it like we all did. Take your damned panties off and get off of your pity pot, grow a set and find out where AA meets in your area. Meetings are usually at 8 AM, 6:30 PM, and 8 PM. A slot for those who can't make it because of work.

Go there, sit your ass down and don't say a damn word. At this point you have absolutely no advice for anyone....and listen...listen closely. See if someone in that room doesn't tell your story practically word for word except it is not yours, it is theirs. Then if you decide that this is way more than coincidence DO NOT try to quit cold turkey. You can die.

If you have a job your insurance will pay every dime...BUT...only one time. They can control you with medication and keep an eye on you. It is not like being locked up... It is a couple of weeks and I had a blast and learned volumes. In most cases, All of the staff, the doctors and the Nurses are recovering alcoholics or addicts.

When you get out go straight to AA. Pick the meanest looking guy in the room and tell him you need a temporary sponser. Mine told me we would do it on a 90 day trial.He said AA suggests 90 meetings in the first 90 days but I would be going to 180 meetings in 90 days. I did as he said. He also said I was not to say one word for that 90 day period during a meeting. He was tough, still is, but he saved my life.

Change is tough pure and simple. If you follow through you won't have to tell your girlfriend...she will know. People will ask you what has come over you...and you get your smiling priviledges back.

There's your fix...OR....you could blow your head off when you might have won the 50,000,000 lottery in a week. And for God's sake get an orange sticker to go on your mirror...a BIG one. Now that I am through dispelling some of the BS you were spewing forth I will leave you with a story. I heard this on a TV show (maybe Medium) but it rang true and it is indeed a truth rather than fiction.

A Psychologist in San Francisco did an extensive search with a team she formed to find as many people who were still alive who had at some point in their lives attempted suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge and lived to tell about it. She found a lot because that is commonplace for the Golden Gate.

Out of all the extensive interviews that they conducted there was one constant in nearly every case. They said that about 2/3 of the way down they had an epiphany that all of the insurmountable problems that were so weighty that had led them to their decision, could in fact, have been solved with relative ease...except for one factor..........they had just jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge...........

Peace

In his email to life.org.nz Don said:

"IMHO [In my humble opinion] he has absolutely no intention of killing himself and I will bet beans to donuts that if he went to the doctor and found out he WAS dying from scirocis of the liver or kidney failure it would scare him out of his wits. He is very much alive because he emailed me a smart ass note today [Tues, 11 Oct. 2005]. The truth hurts. Those people need to quit coddling him and others like him.

If you are going to kill yourself you don't go around telling everyone about it. I am not afraid of dying and I recently had the epiphany that I never was. I was afraid of the pain associated with it. I have broken myself of the fear of pain as it is a normal part of life and I really am not scared of anything now. The unknown just excites me."