Joy's Story After a Miscarriage That Caused A Lot of Grief
October 1992. It was spring. The earth was coming to life again after a cold, damp winter. The ground was exploding with vibrant spring flowers and their perfume brought peace and joy into my heart.I was a final year student nurse. In less than four weeks I would be sitting State Exams to obtain a diploma in Comprehensive Nursing.
My final module was obstetrics. I was working in a small, new birthing center in Howick. I loved it! I worked in the post-natal wards, looking after brand-new babies with their brand new mums. I prayed silently a rich blessing from God over each baby.
My husband of 15 months, Murray, and I, had planned to wait for approximately 3 years before starting a family. Within that time we were hoping to get into our own home
In two weeks time I had an obstetrics exam to sit. If I failed I would not be able to Sit State with my classmates. Then if I passed obstetrics all I would have to worry about was Passing State. The Stress was on! Headaches, severe tiredness, nausea and a missed period. I didn't even think for a moment that I could be pregnant.
I sat obstetrics and failed but was given an opportunity to re-sit within a few days. State was two and a half weeks away and I still had to re-sit and pass obstetrics before even starting to study for state. More stress!
My results came through after a few days ? I passed! Only one more "mountain" to conquer ? State Exam. I now had two weeks to memories what I had been learning over the past three years!
The next day, Wednesday 28th October, I was doing some washing, when I was suddenly over-come with severe abdominal pain. Thinking it was diarrhea; I rushed to the toilet. In seconds I had completely lost all that I was carrying. The toilet was filled with blood and I could see the amniotic sack with its tiny blood vessels.
I stood stunned with the reality hitting me that I had been pregnant, and now my dead baby was in the toilet. Grief and desperation gripped me. The sewers of Auckland were not going to be the grave of my baby! I grabbed a spoon and desperately tried to recover the remains but to no avail. I cried out to God, "I don't want my baby to go down the toilet. I can't flush the toilet!"
In loving gentleness and compassion, He replied, "Our body is only a tent for our soul. Flush the toilet" I knew in my spirit that my baby was in heaven. But it still took a lot of energy flush the toilet.
I went to a doctor who confirmed that I had miscarried at approximately10 weeks.
I phoned the Head of Nursing Department and informed them of my miscarriage and that I was emotionally unable to sit State in two weeks time. Instead I was offered to sit State in five months time, of which I accepted.
I knew grief well. Two and a half years earlier my mother died, age 59 of heart disease. And I grieved for my baby like I grieved for my mother.
Not wanting to keep referring to my baby as "The baby", my husband and I asked God to tell us if it was a boy or girl so we could give him or her a name.
Almost every waking moment I thought of nothing else but our baby and what could have been. Most of the time I cried.
Approximately two weeks had gone by and for the first time I wasn't thinking about the miscarriage. I was mopping the floors when God said to me very clearly, "It's a girl, her name is Catherine."
I was so excited. What a beautiful name! My husband and I had discussed children's names before, but we had never thought of Catherine. Later I found out Catherine means pure. Wow! How much more pure could you get than a 10 week old unborn baby!
I decided to write a poem to my daughter:
IT'S A GIRL, HER NAME IS CATHERINE
Are you sitting on a cloud
Playing your harp really loud?
Does your Gran tell you stories of me
While your sitting on her knee?
Can you now throw a ball
And climb a tree that's really tall?
Do you sit at the Saviour's feet
And sing to Him a song so sweet?
Do you run and hop and roll
In the fields made of gold?
Do you have a water fight
With other children late at night?
Do you ride on a sunbeam, make snowflakes
And rain
When they float down from Heaven
They all bear your name
With your little angle wings do you
Soar through the air
And slide down a rainbow without any fear?
One day soon, with the trumpet sound
When God calls His saints Heaven-bound
When we see those pearly gates
We will be in a rush
To see our little girl who will be waiting for us
Catherine it will be a wonderful day
When we can hold you in our arms and say
We love you so very, very much
19th August 1995 is a day I will never forget.
A good friend, Andrea and I were sitting in my car after having lunch. I was talking about Catherine and what Heaven must be like, when suddenly a big smile came across Andrea's face and she said, "Do you want to meet Catherine?"
I started to cry, "More than anything, but I will have to wait until I get to Heaven."
"No you don't," Andrea replied, "He, (God), wants you to meet her today. God just told me He wants to take you into Heaven by faith to meet her because she is dying to meet you."
"Yes, I want to see her". In my heart I was a bit apprehensive but I knew that this was God.
"What do I do?" I asked.
"Just close your eyes and wait on God and He will do the rest", Andrea replied.
So I closed my eyes and I soon saw a vision of myself sitting in a small rowboat without any ores on a choppy sea. Jesus was standing on the water calling me out of the boat to walk on the water with Him and to trust Him. That was fine by me, I HATE boats! I stepped out of the boat and walked on the water for about five kilometers until we reached land. The land was lit up so bright, but there was no buildings, people or cars here.
"Where to from here?" I asked Jesus
"Straight up", He replied
"WHAT!" I exclaimed. And at that very instant it felt that I was being shot up in the air at a speed of approximately 200 miles an hour in an invisible lift. There was nothing around me except pitch-black cold darkness. My heart was racing with fear and confusion.
I was traveling in this "lift' for about six minutes, meanwhile my mind was battling with my spirit, saying, "This is stupid. You are in a car with Andrea in Devonport and this is all in your mind"
Then Jesus said to me in a very stern voice," Stay with it! If you are serious about seeing your daughter then you must believe and stay with this vision. Keep your eyes on me."
I chose to, despite that I could hear people walking past the car. Heaven knows what they were thinking of me, but who cares. I wanted to see my daughter.
Finally the "lift" came to a stop. This new place appeared to be under a thick fog, but it wasn't like the fog we experience on earth, it was warm and easy to breathe not damp and heavy.
"I can't see a jolly thing, Jesus, where do I go?"
"Just walk" He replied in a serious tone.
Very slowly and with a lot of caution I stepped forward. Feeling that the ground under my feet was solid, my concerns quickly turned to finding my baby. With each step my heart grew more and more desperate to see Catherine. Like a desperate mother searching for a lost child in a crowd I started calling out to her, "Catherine!, Catherine!", but no reply.
Suddenly I heard children laughing and giggling in the distance. They were having so much fun. I came closer and suddenly off to my left the "fog" lifted and there was a playground with swings, slides, seesaws and jungle gyms. There were approximately 20 children. They were all so happy.
The first child I saw was a boy about 12 years old who was about 5 foot tall and slender. All the other children were between two and ten years old.
As I was walking by the side of the playground, I was thinking, "I must find the nursery. Catherine will be there. I'll ask the last child I see. They will surely know where the nursery is."
I came across the last child sitting on a swing. The swing was only 30 cm off the ground. The child was a little girl of approximately two years old. I froze and stared at this child. My heart bet 1000 beats per minute.
"That's Catherine", said Jesus, who was standing behind but just to the right of me. I was so shocked I could hardly breathe. I couldn't move. My spirit within me knew it from the second I saw her.
She looked at me with such complete joy as she continued to swing.
She is so pretty. Long, wavy, sandy hair done up in pigtails. Soft, white skin with delicate features. She wore a long white dress with beautiful white lace and a big white bow at the back.
"Push me on the swing Mummy", Catherine said with excitement, looking at me.
"Mummy. I'm her Mummy. She knows who I am!" I said to myself.
With obedience, I went around to the back of her and knelt on the soft bark, which carpeted the playground and began to push her. After a while, my heart sank. In my spirit, with tears in my eyes, I said, " I don't want to push her on the swing, I just want to hold her. Ever since I lost her, I have longed to hold."
After a few minutes, Catherine jumped off the swing, grabbed one of my left fingers and enthusiastically tried to drag me to my feet. "Come on Mummy, I want to show you where I live!"
The thought of going further into Heaven frightened me. I had already seen more than I could handle. "I, I can't. I just can't" With loving understanding, Catherine didn't push the issue.
Suddenly she climbed onto my lap and wrapped her little arms around me and we held each other for what seemed the longest time.
Hot tears streamed down my face. I was holding my baby for the very first time.
"Oh Jesus, I can't let her go. Please, don't make me let go of her".
"You are coming back so very, soon Mummy. You are coming back so very, very soon and you're going to stay", Catherine said with such urgency and seriousness and yet with a real gentleness.
Sitting in the car in Devonport, yet still in Heaven, I could feel her sitting on my knee. It was such an incredible feeling. Suddenly the vision was over. Jesus was so good to me; I didn't have to let her out of my arms.
My friend Andrea had been sitting next to me during this time and she was eager to find out what had happened. I recalled the whole thing to her.
After an experience like that we decided to go and check out the shops. We found ourselves in a craft shop about half an hour later. Andrea was in a separate part of the shop when I came across a wooden cutout of a little girl in a white dress sitting on a swing. The swing was suspended from a wooden love heart. I froze and steered at it.
"Andrea, Andrea come here quick." I said with fear and amazement. "Look at this Andrea, look at this!"
"Oh my goodness, Joy. Oh my goodness!" She was just as shocked as I was.
"You have got to buy it, Joy". So I did. We could not believe our eyes. God in His love was giving me material evidence of what I had experienced in Heaven. What an AWESOME God!
The very next day I was sitting in church when a little girl walked in. She was about 6 years old, but she looked almost identical to Catherine. She was the daughter of a family who regularly attended that church. Months later I shared my story of Catherine with the husband and wife. I asked if I could have a copy of a photo of their daughter at about age two.
Today I keep this photo in my lounge as a constant reminded of my precious daughter in Heaven whom I will one day, again, hold in my arms and never have to let her go.